Tuesday, June 21, 2016

'Happy' Father's Day?

It's that time of year again. All the emails are about "what to buy dad for Father's Day!" You see ads everywhere for this sale or this special product that "dads love!" I hate it. I hate it with a fiery burning passion. Seriously, fuck Father's Day. For now anyway.

I didn't used to hate Father's Day. Trust me, as Daddy's Little Girl, it was a great time to show my dad how much I appreciated him. In later years, when I had the money, I would pay for a night at the track with just dad and I. I'd pay for the gas to get there, food and the entrance tickets. Dad and I did a lot together.

My dad used to be a racecar driver, back in the '80's I think. He drove for a while, and my cousin still does at the same track. Because my dad had been going to this track, practically since it opened, it was logical that once I was old enough I would go too. I can look at my baby book and tell you the first time I ever went to the Waterford Speedbowl. I was four weeks old. That's right, I've been going to the races since I was a month old.

He also liked to take me to Danny's Auction in Foster, RI. I haven't been in a while now, but every time we pass by on our way to or from Providence all I can think about is my dad. The drive up there, usually taking about 45 minutes unless dad took a "short cut" that turned it into an hour or more, was probably the best part. Spending time with my dad was never a chore. It was always amazing. And if we weren't at the track, or the auction, we were probably at Bee Bee's Dairy. My dad shooting the shit with his buddies and me enjoying a nice ice cream sundae.

You see, all of those memories are amazing. I do like to think back at all the incredible times I've had with my dad. But every time I do, including right now, it's only a matter of time before the tears come. It's really hard to lose a parent. But it's especially hard when you're as close as I was to my father. He was the greatest man I've ever known, and if I could have even a quarter of the relationship I had with my dad with my future father-in-law I'd be doing pretty damn well.

But this is why I hate Father's Day. It used to mean a day where I could spend even more time with my dad, and make him feel special. Now it's just a bitter reminder of the man I lost. I can't think about Father's Day without thinking about it being yet another day I can't spend with him. And it's only made worse by the fact that his birthday is June 14, always right before or after Father's Day.

So for me, Father's Day sucks ass. It's a sad time of year when my depression hits a big low, and it's only a few short months until he biggest blow, the anniversary of his death. Summer should be a happy time. But instead it's bookmarked by two of the saddest periods of my year.

I'm sorry, but I can't be like those other bloggers that post happy, "what should you buy or do for Father's Day?" posts. Maybe in a few years, when the wounds aren't so fresh, or if I have a man in my life and we have kids. Eventually these wounds will heal, but until then, Father's Day will remain a bleak time of year for me.

If you would like to see more upbeat posts, I promise I have many. If you have your own experiences with Father's Day, we can chat about them in the comments below. Until next time, have a nice day :)

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